Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
