It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
