Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize