Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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