Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
