And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
