Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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