I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just google imaged poop.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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