If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
PANTIES FOUND
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
