I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
