I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
