Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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