then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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