So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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