I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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