Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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