if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
