Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
