Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's official drugs can't kill me
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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