I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
