you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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