Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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