zippers are such a cool invention
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
