hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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