I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
