i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
