I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
