My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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