Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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