nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize