grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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