Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
