I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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