he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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