We need to rekindle our bromance
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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