I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
im on a boat
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