just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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