I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
