my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
