my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
