I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
