just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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