I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
