I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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