It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
