you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
