I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
we're so committed to being not committed
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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