he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
