I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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