I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
