just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
