I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
