Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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