i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
