Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
