your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
