i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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