Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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