I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
