I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
